I pursued a music degree, I sang in choirs, I played and practiced, but I was never quite good enough or dedicated enough to become more than mediocre. Meanwhile, I diligently watched shows like American Idol, just dreaming of my own place in the spotlight. I so badly wanted that for myself.
As I matured, I slowly began to put away my dreams and face the reality that I will never be famous. I thought I was okay with that. I have been blessed beyond all that I can ask or imagine. I don't need for anything. I thought that was enough.
Recently, I was presented with an unexpected opportunity. It was a small thing, but it was BIG to me. During a Wednesday night rehearsal for Sunday morning worship, the lead guitar player began working through one of our songs. I started quietly singing along. The worship leader asked me... well, ordered me to sing into the microphone. I did, and the whole band began to join. After we finished the song, our leader decided that I would sing lead for that song on Sunday. I was thrilled and a little nervous to accept, but I agreed. I went home and practiced. I even told friends about it, and we prayed that it would go well.
On that Sunday morning, as we began to rehearse the song before services began, the worship leader started singing the lead. I was confused and dismayed. I was confident that he would soon remember that he'd asked me to do this, we would stop, and things would be made right. But that never happened. We finished the song, ran through it again, and continued on with our morning. I was stuck in a place of speaking up and making it about me, or letting it go and pretending like my feelings weren't hurt. I did my best to let it go and move on, since I knew that was the "right" thing to do, but I was still hurt. What had started out as an exciting morning quickly turned to disappointment. I began putting that dream to rest once again.
Then, on the way to worship practice again, as He often does, God spoke with me through a song.
If You want to steal my show, I'll sit back and watch you go. If You've got something to say, go on and take it away. Need You to steal my show. Can't wait to watch You go. Take it away!BAM. Instant perspective shift.
--Toby Mac, "Steal My Show"
I've been praying for God to use me, which is just another variation of the dream of being famous. I wanted to be famous for God. I wanted Him to use me mightily. I wanted to be known far and wide as a God girl, as someone who changed the world for Him.
But what I need to be praying instead is for God to CHANGE ME. When I allow myself to be changed by God, my life becomes about Him. I fade away. It isn't about my talent or skill. It's all about Him and what He's doing around me. It isn't the song I sing, but the song He sings over me.
Lord, I pray that the cry of my heart will continually be CHANGE ME! I want to be changed by You first and used by You second. I want to be known as the girl who was changed by an everlasting Father. I want to be transformed into whoever YOU want me to be. I want Your song over me to be louder than any music I could ever hope to create. Amen.
This post is part of #livefreeThursday with the wonderful women over at Suzie Eller's blog, tsuzanneeller.com. Check out the links there for more encouragement.